Intake facility...time to move on.

Larry is starting to get very down hearted. It is hard when he has seen other inmates come in and go now. He is starting to wonder when will be his turn. It makes it hard not knowing where you are going or when you will be going there. His nerves are so uptight and it really shows in his voice when he talks.

Larry is very worried about his relationship with Draydon. When Larry was gone for a few short months in 2004, Draydon suffered extreme anxiety over it. He suffered from separation anxiety for all these years since that time. Dray has now found it necessary to keep himself extremely busy to avoid any emotions. In staying busy, Dray does not have much to say to or about his dad. I know it is his way to protect himself as he HATES to cry, but it is literally tearing Larry's heart out to feel the distance. Larry told me yesterday that he promised Draydon years ago that he would never leave him again. He feels that Draydon feels betrayed and lied to. My poor boys, I hurt so very much for both of them. They are both hurting so badly and I don't know how to fix it for them. Danene is as always, her Daddy's little girl. She talks about her dad all the time and finds songs to dedicate to him almost daily. I pray my family will heal and recover from all of this pain.

Stress-o-meter

I have decided that our stress rate is finally easing up a bit. If I were to put our life on a stress-o-meter, with 100 being the highest, I would say that we are finally at around a 50. Our life before foster care was about 0 to 10 most of the time. During the time we were doing foster care, it was about 80-90 on a daily basis. During the time Larry was in county jail when we were dealing with all the stabs continually, our stress rate in our home was around 120-150 (remember 100 is the highest, YES, it was that bad!!). So to be about a 50 tells me we will survive. I know we will never make it back to a 0 as long as Larry is not home. So for the next 68 months, 16 days, my life will be lonely and stressful. I can't wait until March 12, 2017 when the love of my life will return to life with his family again. We all miss him so much!! I can't wait until he gets to where he is going and I will be able to visit him. In the last 7 months I have had 30.5 hours of time to have physical contact with him. After being together for more than 20 years, that has been an absolute nightmare for me. Once he is in the prison he will stay at, I can have three hour visits whenever I can afford to visit him. I hope he will be close enough that I will be able to afford to see him soon and often. Please pray for this for us, also, that our kids will be able to see him soon. He will be denied visitation from them initially and then we can appeal it. Both of the kids have cried over this and it breaks my heart that I can't fix it for them. As a mother, it hurts when you have no choice to be able to help your own children. It stinks that my word counts for nothing. I know it is in my children's best interest to be able to see their dad. Please pray that the time will go quickly for them until he can hug and kiss them again.

Re-Offence rate

Larry called me yesterday and told me that one of the guards came and told him his test results on re offending. He said the result was .05, I don't really know what to compare that too, so I asked what else the guard said. He told Larry that is the lowest score he has seen and he only sees that score very rarely. So, I am guessing that is good news, of course those of us that truly know the case, know that Larry would score low anyway being that he never intended anything to happen. I feel like test results like this are just more of the proof of what the truth is. I wish that the District Attorney had to see all the results of the testing, so he could at least have a guilty conscious at some point in his life. I doubt he would, he seems pretty aloof to the pain he inflicts on families!!! Larry is in pretty good spirits though. He is really looking forward to getting transferred to wherever they plan on keeping him so that we can have a visit. He told me today that he truly misses my smiling face, I reminded him, all he needs to do is close his eyes, I am ALWAYS there. That is all I have to do when I want to see his loving face, close my eyes and he is there with me always!!

Missing him

Larry called today. I spoke to him around 2:30 p.m. it seemed like it had been forever since I last spoke with him and it was only yesterday. Life goes by so fast when you get only a few minutes a day to speak to the father of your children and the love of your life. I miss him so badly that when I do hear his voice my heart sings and my heart sometimes feels like it could explode with love for him. I miss him so much that every time I hear his voice or think of him, I get a huge lump in my throat and I want to cry. I just miss him so bad and my heart aches for all the things he is going to miss. It is so much harder raising our kids without my partner by my side, he was always the one that tethered me when I didn't know what to do. He had all the answers and could see the kids' side when I could not imagine where it was they were coming from. He is my best friend and that is what I miss the very most. I miss my friend!

When I dream, I try to dream of him so I can be with him once more. It never works, I dream of him, but I can't see his face, feel his touch, or get to him. He is always just outside my grasp and I awake longing for him more than I did before I fell asleep. I sometimes want to just fall asleep and stay that way until he comes home again. It has been almost seven months since he was taken from me, and it has not gotten any easier. I wish it would, I still can not figure out how to go on without him. He has been such a part of me and my existence for over twenty years now. I love my husband so much and I can't wait to have him in my arms again.

Still His Little Girl

So I talked to my Daddy on the phone today, it's funny that even from where he's at he still acts like a dad and tells me what to do. I miss him so much! I get mad a lot since he's gone, but he is still my best friend. I just can't wait tell i can see him next. I'll always be his little girl...no matter what.

~xoxo~

Danene Kyli♥♥♥

Larry is currently in Coffee Creek Correctional Facility in Wilsonville, Oregon. He got there on June 7, 2011. He has been undergoing all kinds of tests and is waiting to hear which prison he will be sent to for the rest of his prison stay. I talk to Larry about 1-2 times a day. His spirits are up and down, he is having a real hard time with all that has been going on. The injustice of the whole case has been extremely difficult for him to swallow. It has been nice for him to know how his testing is going. The mental health person met with him yesterday and they put him on a mild sedative since he is extremely stressed and suffers major anxiety. It has been really difficult to talk to him on the phone as he is constantly on edge.

We all just miss him desperately. Draydon told me it is getting a little easier for him each day, he misses his dad, but at least it is getting a little better and he doesn't have to take his mild tranquilizers as often as he was. He still has anxiety attacks if he thinks too much about it, so he tries to keep himself busy so he doesn't have to think too much about dad.

Danene misses her dad terribly and it really doesn't seem to be letting up for her. Life feels dark and gloomy for her.

I try each day to do what I know I should. It is still very difficult for me to swallow living without the man of my dreams for six years. When I think about the time, I sometimes feel completely hopeless, but I know we will have eternity together and I truly love knowing he is my eternal companion.