The most amazing sound...

I just got a call from Larry. I was sitting in my room keeping the dog from Draydon's friends when my phone rang, Larry's picture came up on the screen and my heart almost jumped into my throat. I was the most excited woman in the world at that moment. It was the best sound in the world to hear his voice. For just a moment a heard him talk before Draydon scooped the phone away...he has been having a real tough time without his dad. Last night finally came to tears for him again.

Anyway we talked a lot about how wonderful his counselor at Coffee Creek is. He said that Dan told him he read the entire case file and he just can't believe what a raw deal Larry got. He said he can not figure out how Larry ended up with the sentence he did. He then told Larry that he NEVER sees guys like Larry in prison and it is really shocking. He told Larry that he needs to remember who he is throughout his stay in prison to which Larry responded "Have you been talking to my wife?" Dan told him no than asked 'why?'. Larry said that I tell him that all the time. Dan then said maybe he should listen to me.

Dan told Larry that he must be on a quest to help people and Larry said that someone else had told him he must be on a mission. Dan then said "that is exactly the word I was looking for, you are on a mission".

I am so thankful to have heard from him today. He has passed that stone, he told me it was a big one with several small ones as well. He thinks that there still may be a few more in there, but the biggest pain is gone.

The reason he has not been able to call is because he is in the women's portion of the prison in the infirmary and to call he has to go out among the women, so the guards are real careful about it. So, not sure when I will hear again from him, but today's call was an amazing sound!

A mean letter from our oldest foster daughter

Today I got a letter from our oldest foster daughter, who up until a short while ago, still wanted us to adopt her. She sent several messages of love then they just stopped out of the blue. Today I got a letter in a DHS envelope and it was mean and very unkind. I cried very hard and realized she is just a very hurt child who has never been told the truth or allowed to hear the truth. DHS whisked her away almost immediately from us. I would retype her letter here, but I feel it could cause others to look badly upon her. She is not a bad person but simply a hurt child who feels unloved now. I will post my response to her here;

Note; I leave out the names of our foster children on this blog because I do not want to ever be accused of exploiting them.

My dear (name),

I was so excited when I saw I had gotten a letter from you, then as I read it my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. I will tell you that Draydon is angry and Danene refuses to read it because her pain is too great at loosing you already.

I am so happy for you that you have a new family. I have always wished only the best for you. If you are happy, that is all I have ever wanted. You deserve to be happy because you are a wonderful girl.

I understand that you are very angry, and you have the right to be. I remember when you came to our home, you were amazed when you learned you could be forgiven, I recall times holding you in my arms, as you cried because your family could not forgive you. I am very sad that it is my ability to forgive that is the very thing that has driven you away. You know that all of us in this family have the ability to forgive, why would we forgive all others in this world and then not someone we already love? I learned a very long time ago that being a sex offender does not make someone a bad person. It is a title and if you listen to the pamphlets put out in the prison system, the actual offence is usually just a very minute part of what someone has done in their life and it does not define them. I'm not sure where you heard that we said 'nothing happened' I myself have heard that rumor about us too. When we talk in our home and to others, that understand, we have always said that something happened. Like I said before, that does not define Larry.

People ask me all the time how I can forgive him, the best way I can explain it is through a math problem. If what he did was the weight of 1,000 horrible pounds, and every good thing in life he has done is worth a mere one pound each, his good will still far out weigh the bad with more than a zillion pounds. You have to know that Danene and Draydon have an entire lifetime of great memories with their dad. He laughed with them often took them camping, fishing , shopping etc. etc. They have all those memories and that makes one act very difficult to erase those memories.

Yes, I freaked on Larry, and it is ok for me and the kids and even you to be mad about what happened. I have two years of college from when I was in Utah and my studies in Utah were in psychology. (that is like a counselor) I have always been very interested in the way the human mind works. I happen to know that Larry and I both were sexually abused as children. It is not an easy thing to get through, but I know my husband is a good man and I have almost 100 letters from people that know him who say the same thing. I'm sorry you don't understand that and I wish you could feel how freeing it is to be able to forgive.

(name), you have always been loved in our home and have never been judged. We will always love you and you will always have a very special piece of my heart. That will never go away.

In you letter you addressed Danene, and said you guys reported 'it'. I want you to think real hard about what exactly you reported. Danene claims you must not remember.

I myself have NEVER wished your sister an harm. I don't know where you may have heard otherwise. I don't know all of what my children have said, but I do know that you recall your own family wishing horrible things on you, people that are hurting, say things they don't mean. I am not excusing it, but you should know that Danene and Draydon hurt every single day and it is constant. They, and you are still young enough that you don't know any other way to deal with pain than to lash out and hurt others. It breaks my heart to watch their daily pain. It breaks my heart also whenever I think of you and the pain you must be going through.

There have been so many rumors going around, and it sounds as if you have heard some of them. I was very hurt by so many awful things I was hearing about myself, about you, about (your sister). Then I read in a book put out by church leaders that "anything that feels bad is what Satan wants you to feel, anything that feels good inside is of God." Every time I would get upset over rumors, I would remember that Satan was winning. I feel good inside about who I am, my marriage, my memories of Larry, my memories of you and many other things. So now, I try to focus on what feels good inside because that is what God wants me to do.

I am truly sorry that this happened, you need to know that if there was anyway I could have prevented it I would have. I would do anything to go back and stop whatever was to come. I would say "I wish I never took you girls in, then this could never have happened" but I can't say that because knowing and loving you changed my life forever and I would never change that. I found a song that defines my relationship with you it is called "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. It says, "I could have missed the pain but I would have missed the dance" If you look at yourself as "the dance" I want you to know I wouldn't give away all this pain if it meant I never would have known you. I love you (name) and even if I never see you in this life, I will always love you and I will look forward to seeing you in eternity where forgiveness is required.

<3 Wendi

P.S. I re-read your letter and if you mean physical by beatings, NO ONE in my home ever hit her or caused her pain like that and you know that.

I miss her so terribly and I only hope my words will get to her and she will understand. I love her dearly and miss my other daughter!

Talked to someone, finally some news!

I have been so worried and stressed about Larry that I called Coffee Creek again today. The woman I spoke with confirmed he was in the infirmary and I asked her if she could tell me how he was, she said she could not, but would transfer me to his counselor. I then spoke to one of the kindest people I have ever talked to. I asked how Larry was and he told me that 'Larry is comfortable at this time, but is very worried about his family'. The man's name was Dan, he said that he has never before seen a man in there with more concern for his family than Larry has. I thanked him for his time and was going to go when he said, 'wait just a minute, how are you doing?'. I told him I was ok and then he told me he could tell I was lying. We had a very nice conversation and he asked if I had any questions. He also directed me to call his supervisor who he said is excellent with helping families in this time of crisis. He then asked the names of our children and told me that it is not something they ever do, but he was going to go tell Larry he had spoken with me. I asked if he could please tell him that we love him, he then went even further and asked what he could tell him about Draydon. I told him Dray has been very busy with friends and keeps himself very active. He then said, 'what can I tell him about Danene? ' I said that Larry would love to know that Danene is making good choices and meeting with our bishop weekly to help her do that. I am so glad that this man was kindhearted enough to care about my family and my husband. He told me that he would take great pleasure in delivering those messages to Larry. He also told me that when Larry is taken to a new prison it will be a medium security on the Eastern side of the state. I am thinking that will be either Snake River in Ontario or the prison in Pendleton. Either way, I hope we can move to wherever he is, and soon!

Talked to someone, finally

Larry's Journal

So, tonight Draydon found his Dad's journal with two entries. I know sometimes journals should be private, but I feel compelled to share what he has written in this one. It was from a couple months before his arrest. Danene was going through a tough time after being attacked by a boyfriend and then made to feel like it was her fault by our justice system. Danene had also attempted suicide and had been hospitalized because of it. The foster girls were both struggling with self esteem and thinking boyfriends were their way up the ladder of life. Draydon was going through a lot in his first year of high school and had been bullied a lot.

Entry #1; My Girls

I wish that all this pain and worthlessness would go away. Am I a good Dad? Can I help these girls through the hard times in their life? Can I do all that I can to make sure that they will not ever get hurt?

I try so hard to be a good man, husband, father, but I wonder if I can beat these demands on my back. I hurt for Danene, (name of oldest foster daughter) and (name of youngest foster daughter) so much. I can see things that they can't, I just hope they will listen to me so I can save them from sorrow, sorrow that I have felt many times in my life.

They need to know that they are more beautiful than they will ever know and that they don't need a boy to feel good about themselves.

(they need to know) that they have more power inside and from Heaven that will make them princesses some day if they will only listen to the Lord and their Daddy.

Entry #2; My boy

I see a young man before my eyes and he is every thing I wish I would have been at his age! I look up to this young man and I love him with all my heart. I see him struggle and inside I say 'don't give up, you can do this" He loves the Lord and I know by the choices that he makes every day. I know that he is being tested right now and I see the pain in his eyes. I know that he will be a great man someday I pray every night that the Lord will send the angels in Heaven to lift him up through his hard time. I hope that he says his personal prayers. He gives me so much strength by watching what he goes through and I think, 'if he can, then maybe I can beat these demands on my back'.

I am so thankful that Draydon found this journal, it was something we all needed to feel close to him at this time. These words show the man and father that I have been married to for 20 years this year. Draydon flipped through the pages after reading these and then said "mom, I want more"! Remember your loved ones want to read what you felt when you are not there to tell them yourselves. Journaling is so very important to those that love you.

Three days...no word!

In a few hours it will be 72 hours since I last heard from Larry. It has been a miserable three days. I spent all day yesterday in bed worried literally sick. I have a horrible migraine and I hate not knowing how he is. I called Coffee Creek yesterday and they confirmed that he is in fact in the hospital but they said he could call if he wanted. The problem is, if anyone knows Larry, he would call and call and call until he gets a hold of me. He is the type that would wear down his fingers to the bone to get in touch with me. I know he knows that I am worried sick right now. The last I heard was the kidney stones, then nothing. He has never spent three days in the hospital with kidney stones. I don't understand what is going on and it is literally driving me insane. I don't think it is right that the prison system is allowed to literally torture the family members of inmates. I feel like my toenails are being pulled out one at a time, only the pain is worse than that. We are all on edge and going crazy here not knowing how or really where he is. This is horrifying. I am learning to truly despise the nation I once loved. I miss him so much, now I need to go because my tears make it so I am unable to see the screen.

Kidney Stones

Larry called tonight and told me that they moved him, not out of Coffee Creek, but to the hospital wing. He is passing a kidney stone and he tried to pass it without incident. He has passed about 10 of them before and a few times he has done so without having to go to the hospital, but sometimes they are so painful and unbearable that he is in agonizing pain. It is hurtful to me to have to watch him suffer such terrible pain. It is more painful to not be able to be with him and know he is suffering so much agony. When I talked to him tonight, he broke down and told me that he never realized how much easier it made it in the past to just have the person you love with you when you are hurting so much. My heart feels literally torn out tonight. I long to be with him and help him bear this burden, but I can't, I have to put it in the Lord's hands and ask Him to be the one to comfort Larry through this pain. I wish there was more I could do, I am learning to lean on my Father in Heaven to do the things I am unable to do as a wife for my husband. I hate feeling as though my hands are tied, but He will do all that I cannot and I have to have faith in that. The one thing I know without doubt is that Larry is loved by our Father in Heaven even more than I love him and that is very difficult to comprehend, but I truly know it is the truth.

Intake facility...time to move on.

Larry is starting to get very down hearted. It is hard when he has seen other inmates come in and go now. He is starting to wonder when will be his turn. It makes it hard not knowing where you are going or when you will be going there. His nerves are so uptight and it really shows in his voice when he talks.

Larry is very worried about his relationship with Draydon. When Larry was gone for a few short months in 2004, Draydon suffered extreme anxiety over it. He suffered from separation anxiety for all these years since that time. Dray has now found it necessary to keep himself extremely busy to avoid any emotions. In staying busy, Dray does not have much to say to or about his dad. I know it is his way to protect himself as he HATES to cry, but it is literally tearing Larry's heart out to feel the distance. Larry told me yesterday that he promised Draydon years ago that he would never leave him again. He feels that Draydon feels betrayed and lied to. My poor boys, I hurt so very much for both of them. They are both hurting so badly and I don't know how to fix it for them. Danene is as always, her Daddy's little girl. She talks about her dad all the time and finds songs to dedicate to him almost daily. I pray my family will heal and recover from all of this pain.

Stress-o-meter

I have decided that our stress rate is finally easing up a bit. If I were to put our life on a stress-o-meter, with 100 being the highest, I would say that we are finally at around a 50. Our life before foster care was about 0 to 10 most of the time. During the time we were doing foster care, it was about 80-90 on a daily basis. During the time Larry was in county jail when we were dealing with all the stabs continually, our stress rate in our home was around 120-150 (remember 100 is the highest, YES, it was that bad!!). So to be about a 50 tells me we will survive. I know we will never make it back to a 0 as long as Larry is not home. So for the next 68 months, 16 days, my life will be lonely and stressful. I can't wait until March 12, 2017 when the love of my life will return to life with his family again. We all miss him so much!! I can't wait until he gets to where he is going and I will be able to visit him. In the last 7 months I have had 30.5 hours of time to have physical contact with him. After being together for more than 20 years, that has been an absolute nightmare for me. Once he is in the prison he will stay at, I can have three hour visits whenever I can afford to visit him. I hope he will be close enough that I will be able to afford to see him soon and often. Please pray for this for us, also, that our kids will be able to see him soon. He will be denied visitation from them initially and then we can appeal it. Both of the kids have cried over this and it breaks my heart that I can't fix it for them. As a mother, it hurts when you have no choice to be able to help your own children. It stinks that my word counts for nothing. I know it is in my children's best interest to be able to see their dad. Please pray that the time will go quickly for them until he can hug and kiss them again.

Re-Offence rate

Larry called me yesterday and told me that one of the guards came and told him his test results on re offending. He said the result was .05, I don't really know what to compare that too, so I asked what else the guard said. He told Larry that is the lowest score he has seen and he only sees that score very rarely. So, I am guessing that is good news, of course those of us that truly know the case, know that Larry would score low anyway being that he never intended anything to happen. I feel like test results like this are just more of the proof of what the truth is. I wish that the District Attorney had to see all the results of the testing, so he could at least have a guilty conscious at some point in his life. I doubt he would, he seems pretty aloof to the pain he inflicts on families!!! Larry is in pretty good spirits though. He is really looking forward to getting transferred to wherever they plan on keeping him so that we can have a visit. He told me today that he truly misses my smiling face, I reminded him, all he needs to do is close his eyes, I am ALWAYS there. That is all I have to do when I want to see his loving face, close my eyes and he is there with me always!!

Missing him

Larry called today. I spoke to him around 2:30 p.m. it seemed like it had been forever since I last spoke with him and it was only yesterday. Life goes by so fast when you get only a few minutes a day to speak to the father of your children and the love of your life. I miss him so badly that when I do hear his voice my heart sings and my heart sometimes feels like it could explode with love for him. I miss him so much that every time I hear his voice or think of him, I get a huge lump in my throat and I want to cry. I just miss him so bad and my heart aches for all the things he is going to miss. It is so much harder raising our kids without my partner by my side, he was always the one that tethered me when I didn't know what to do. He had all the answers and could see the kids' side when I could not imagine where it was they were coming from. He is my best friend and that is what I miss the very most. I miss my friend!

When I dream, I try to dream of him so I can be with him once more. It never works, I dream of him, but I can't see his face, feel his touch, or get to him. He is always just outside my grasp and I awake longing for him more than I did before I fell asleep. I sometimes want to just fall asleep and stay that way until he comes home again. It has been almost seven months since he was taken from me, and it has not gotten any easier. I wish it would, I still can not figure out how to go on without him. He has been such a part of me and my existence for over twenty years now. I love my husband so much and I can't wait to have him in my arms again.

Still His Little Girl

So I talked to my Daddy on the phone today, it's funny that even from where he's at he still acts like a dad and tells me what to do. I miss him so much! I get mad a lot since he's gone, but he is still my best friend. I just can't wait tell i can see him next. I'll always be his little girl...no matter what.

~xoxo~

Danene Kyli♥♥♥

Larry is currently in Coffee Creek Correctional Facility in Wilsonville, Oregon. He got there on June 7, 2011. He has been undergoing all kinds of tests and is waiting to hear which prison he will be sent to for the rest of his prison stay. I talk to Larry about 1-2 times a day. His spirits are up and down, he is having a real hard time with all that has been going on. The injustice of the whole case has been extremely difficult for him to swallow. It has been nice for him to know how his testing is going. The mental health person met with him yesterday and they put him on a mild sedative since he is extremely stressed and suffers major anxiety. It has been really difficult to talk to him on the phone as he is constantly on edge.

We all just miss him desperately. Draydon told me it is getting a little easier for him each day, he misses his dad, but at least it is getting a little better and he doesn't have to take his mild tranquilizers as often as he was. He still has anxiety attacks if he thinks too much about it, so he tries to keep himself busy so he doesn't have to think too much about dad.

Danene misses her dad terribly and it really doesn't seem to be letting up for her. Life feels dark and gloomy for her.

I try each day to do what I know I should. It is still very difficult for me to swallow living without the man of my dreams for six years. When I think about the time, I sometimes feel completely hopeless, but I know we will have eternity together and I truly love knowing he is my eternal companion.